Rant Number 924 7 June 2012
If Her Majesty was on Facebook her friends would be millions. The Jubilee proves it. Her foes are few and far between. Yet they exist. Here are seven in this droll rogues’ gallery.
First, the republicans. A pipsqueak patrol – in London a meagre thousand agitated against the jubilant million monarchists. Their argument? ‘The Queen is not elected’. How inane. The ballot box marched into power all sorts of criminal leaders. Such as Tony Blair, Hitler, Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill (sic). But essentially: republicans are passé’. Democracy as a Western construct clearly is not working. (Its cradle, Greece, is kaput.) As the twilight of Western hegemony accelerates into a downfall, new civilisations are emerging. They will provide new models of government. Anyway, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Brits love the Queen. Republicans are irrelevant.
Second, the pigment-obsessed brigade. Peter Tatchell, the ludicrous Australian queen, blabs about racism as there cannot, yet, be a black monarch. Peter, how thick can you be? Love is blind, geddit? Love has no colour. Beautiful girl Kate Rothschild married beautiful boy Ben Goldsmith but Cupid darted a fatal arrow – Kate has now fallen for a black rapper. Moral: love can’t be commanded. When Prince Harry marries it will be because he loves not because of the lucky bird’s pigmentation. Peter, you obviously know nothing about the subject...sad.
Third, the conspiracy nutters. Who remembers David Icke? Sport commentator turned would-be messiah. The British Royals are actually aliens. Shape-shifting lot. In reality, they are huge lizards, Icke revealed. Fancy that!
Of course, there was a case, allegedly, of a learned Imam of Egypt’s prestigious Al-Azhar university who found out after years of marriage that his wife was not human but a jinnia. A creature belonging to a species of beings dwelling in a parallel world. Like men, they marry and are given in marriage, have children and so on but they keep away from us, most of the time. Some jinns are good, some are bad. I myself believe I may once have glimpsed some in Doha – they were disguised as fierce stray cats. However, the argument for the existence of such interesting beings is theological, not magical or empirical. The Qur’an speaks of jinns so, for Muslims at least, it must be so.
The priest confesses it: he has often suspected his enemies to partake of the characteristics of toads, rats, hyenas and jackals. I grant you, that’s anthropomorphism. Animals are morally innocent. Still, waking up at night and finding your spouse to be actually an overgrown reptile must be a bit upsetting. Is that the reason Prince Philip has been taken ill? Dreadful thought. One thing is certain though: Icke is nuts.
Fourth, just a fraction less insane is cult leader Lyndon LaRouche. Her Majesty, if you had not realised it, is a dope pusher. Right at the top of a drug-pushing cartel. Casts an entire different complexion on her, does it not? Maybe the Jubilee was a cover for ladling drugs out, like confetti? But our youth need no help from the monarch – the dope-heads are already hooked. Pity, Lyndon, just a bit redundant info – try again.
Fifth, the Court was responsible for Princess Diana’s death...Leave it out. Diana is at rest. She has forgiven (as well as having been forgiven...). She wishes everyone well. Conspiratology does her memory an injury. All she cares about from where she is now is her children’s happiness. Like any mother would. Why rake up the past? It is stupid, it is cruel, it serves no purpose. It can only hurt those she loved.
Sixth, monarchy is a drug, not unlike dope, some claim. Slightly more serious objection, perhaps. Drugs are bad hence the monarchy is bad. Hhmm... Some drugs are so entrenched, like booze, fags, coffee, betting & so on, banning them would be impossible. But other drugs exist, such as spectator sports. Karl Marx called religion the opium of the people – he’d rejoice now, that’s a narcotic Britain has forsaken. Few would raise an eyebrow if churches disappeared but God help the man who would propose football’s abolition. Like it or not some drugs, like tea, coffee and sport, are inescapable. If the people like to dose up on the Queen, to forget their daily troubles, who are you to stop them? A pleasant, harmless valium, what’s so bad about that?
Seventh, the Queen is German. No, don’t laugh – I actually heard that on radio yesterday. Meant to be a damning indictment. Given the sneaking dislike, the phobia of people and things German...it figures. (Funny, though, considering how many English liberties go back to a German tribe, the Saxons.) But it is true that in 1714 Britain dumped her home-bred Stuart kings for a non-English speaking German prince, fat and ugly George I. For the sake of religion – the monarch had to be a Protestant and Prots they have been ever since. German blood flows into Elizabeth II’s veins but...so what? If anything, that’s a plus. She might be able to plead with Merkel for some German cash. If economic Armageddon will hit Britain, the German connection might be a blessing in disguise.
‘Dad, you a monarchist now? You say you are a revolutionary, don’t you? Isn’t that a contradiction?’ sneers Linus, my bolshie offspring. He does enjoy picking my Rants apart, that lad!
‘Look, my boy, yes, I think of myself as a rebel, a turbulent priest and a dangerous ideologue all right. However, a wise rebel targets the right enemies. Only a few bourgeois radicals like Tony Benn fall for red herrings. The insurrection must aim at the real sods not at coronets...I am after bigger fish...This national grandmother is no enemy of the revolution. (Wasn’t Austria-Hungary’s Empress Zita a friend of anarchist Malatesta? Same thing with me, I feel...)
Ultimately, the Queen is England and God has made me a priest of the Church she governs, hence what else can I do but to wish her well? And I do.
Revd Frank Julian Gelli