FATHER FRANK’S RANTS - Pirates: Pro & Con

Rant Number 420 16 November 2010

The recent ordeal of the British couple Paul and Rachel Chandler leads the priest to wonder: how bad is piracy? First, the defence – by a pirate:

‘Dear Abuna (Father),

You people are irrational about us. You heard of Robin Hood, no? A famous English icon. Romantic figure. He stole from the rich to give to the poor, didn’t he? All about justice in an unjust society. It is the same with us. We are the Robin Hoods of today. We are poor folks from miserable, under-developed, exploited countries. Colonialism has turned us into the scum of the earth. Devastated our cultures. And your greedy multinationals today make it much worse. You call us pirates – we are Robin Hoods! Folk heroes. We are just redistributing wealth, a little. What’s wrong with that?’

‘Ahem...I see, but what have a couple of old codgers like the Chandlers have to do with global wrongs? Hardly like the evil Sheriff of Nottingham, are they? Besides you beat up the poor Mrs Chandlers about the head. That was not nice.’

‘Abuna, don’t play dumb with us, please. We can’t get to the very rich; they are shielded by mercenaries in their fortresses and tax havens. So we have to grab what we get. The Chandlers are very well off, sailing as they were in a yacht around the Indian Ocean. They must have built a fat nest’s eggs in their cosy English countryside. They surely made money by unethical investments in our poor third world. And their ancestors were slave owners, anyway. Just fair they should cough up the dough a little bit. As to the old lady, she was being unreasonable. Irrational. Human beings have reason but when they behave unreasonably they sink to the levels of beasts. They become like animals. Beasts sometimes have to be beaten, no? So the old lady had to be taught reason. Just a little. We didn’t like it but...it was her fault. Besides, you white men have a cheek to lecture us about mistreating the old! You who shut your old folks in grim prisons you call ‘homes’. Where your old folks are alone, languish, and are often starved and ill-treated. Our oldies live with us, in our families. Are loved and respected. We care for them. You Europeans are the barbarians. It is a fact.’

A pirate who argues almost like a Greek philosopher – truly amazing! I dare not mention the name of playwright Bertold Brecht, because it would fill this Robin Hood with glee. In the Threepennies Opera, there is a stirring song, Pirates’ Jenny. A lowly, despised maid, Jenny is ill-treated by haughty bourgeois townsfolk. But then a pirates’ ship enters the harbours. The crew comes ashore and drags away Jenny’s tormentors in chains. The world’s order is turned upside down. Jenny triumphantly sails away with the pirates. Revolutionary justice rules OK, in the Stalinist poet’s brave new world...

Now, for the prosecution. Well, sort of. My boy Linus rants and rambles a bit:

‘Dad, I know you know this story. The young Julius Caesar had the misfortune of being captured by pirates once. During his captivity he taunted the riff-raff: “My ransom will earn you millions but beware! Upon my release I will have you hanged!” They scoffed at him but he meant it. Losing no time, the freed Caesar put his fleet to sea again and pursued the pirates till he had them in his power: they were all duly strung up. You did not fool around with a Roman citizen’s honour.

The Romans had the right ideas. The law of nations stipulated that a pirate had made himself an enemy of the human race. He had put himself beyond the normal human compact. So you did not have to keep your word with pirates. Nor would the Romans swallow any self-regarding moan about pirates being ‘oppressed’. Pirates were vermin. They deserved to be hunted out and exterminated. And the Romans did that well.

Dad, why is the British government so pusillanimous? Gone are the happy days when Britannia ruled the waves and would send gunboats to punish anyone who dared to challenge her subjects. Foreign Secretary Lord Palmerston dispatched the mighty British Navy to teach the villainous Greeks a lesson for robbing Don Pacifico, a dubious Brit. As a Roman could invoke Cives Romanus Sum and be sure of Rome’s protection anywhere, Palmerston declared in Parliament, so a British subject could always rely the assistance of Britain’s strong arm. Sigh... times have changed. Today’s ludicrous Secretary, ‘Skinhead’ Hague, could not protect a frog. (Linus’ funny English – he is Swedish.) British marines were not even able to prevent the Chandlers from being captured. And now David Cameron pretends no ransom money was paid! The fibber! How do you say in English? Fudge, fudge and fudge! Pathetic! How bad can it get for the former Queen of the Seas?

To be fair to Britain, what would be the point of pursuing the pirates? They have “human rights” and therefore they cannot be killed. After doing their time in prison they could even claim asylum and settle in Britain as refugees. Unless they enlisted in the British Army as crack units (serving in Afghanistan, perhaps?), what use could they have?’

Huh! You see what awful right reactionary Linus is? The silly lad! He exasperates me...but how would the priest himself try the pirates? Under which law? Oh, the Bible comes to mind. I would judge the miscreants thus:

Listen to the awesome Word of God! ‘You shall not rob’ (Exodus 20:15); ‘Thieves and robbers will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven’ (I Cor. 6:10) You murderers ‘will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur and pain, which is the second death’ (Revelation 21:8). But do not despair: Your delight should be the law of the Eternal, on which you should ‘have meditated day and night’. (Psalm 1:2) Then ‘the Word of God would be a lamp and a beacon to enlighten yours paths.’ (Psalm 119, 105) Your last resort is to trust in ‘the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world’ (St John 1:29). Cast yourselves unto the Good Shepherd ‘who came to save the lost’ (St Matthew 18:11). He who promises you that ‘he will not reject those who turn to him’ (St John 6:37).

I would preach that, and more to the pirates. And then I would deal with them according to the Law of the Lord.

Revd Frank Julian Gelli